“the good. the better.” - Part 1
October 31st, 2022, will be the first year since I was involved in the shooting. My life has changed a bit since then. One of the biggest things (or boundaries) that I have needed to set is being alone with white men. The trauma elicited by the shooting left me with the fear of being in an environment where I could not protect myself.
Soon after the incident, I observed that my view of people was changing internally. The first place that I began to experience differences was in my community. I remember being offered counseling without anyone asking me if it was an environment where I felt safe. I was grateful for the offer, but it came off as “even though nothing like this has ever taken place with someone in our community, let us handle it like situations of conflict.” These processes could be a result of not having a diverse level of counsel in this community’s leadership.
I also had someone in my community (not sure of their intent) tell me they were trying to communicate with my aggressor in an inappropriate environment and time. My initial reaction was one of shock, given that this person works in counseling. Was this person expecting a particular response? The moment that I had to confront this fear happened soon after those interactions.
For context, I wanted to work through the difficult aspects of this incident while they were still fresh. One of these people was pretty connected with the event. I’m comfortable letting you know that this friend and I did a joint costume of Madea & Dr. Phil (we did win). This costume was the same one that I didn’t know would almost cost me my life the next day. “Dr. Phil” dropped me off at the place where I thought I would die.
When I returned to College Station, I wanted to let the people closest to me know I was okay. I met with “Dr. Phil” to discuss the event. I honestly wanted him to see that it wasn’t his fault. While meeting up with him, I realized I was uncomfortable meeting up alone with people I knew had guns. After communicating this, in all honesty, I realized that I only felt this way when I was alone with white men. This feeling made things complicated because I didn’t have the same level of communication with other friends.
